Losing Control, One of my Biggest Fears Living with Schizophrenia

I recollect my stay at South Oaks Psychiatric Hospital in Amityville, this is about my schizophrenic relapse after 4 years going clean.

I had walked inside my home when the voices started. It was a Sunday evening, April 2nd, 2017, I had just come back from a smoke break outside my home… “Come into my world…” “…I will take care of you…” “I’ll show you the way…” Without hesitation I called Brunswick Hall Psychiatric Hospital, where I was admitted 4 years back. I told them what was going on, they said to hang up and call 911. I hung up the voices roared back again, it was a woman with a seductive voice… “I love you… come, I’ll show you the way.” At that point I lost control of  my hands it was as if someone had grabbed me by my arms and led me into the kitchen. I lunged for a big sharp knife on the countertop and was ready to stab my left arm.

The entire time my wife was observing what was going on and intervened when I had grabbed the knife. She yelled, “this isn’t you Adam, this isn’t you!” I realized she was right and I regained control and dropped the knife.

She dragged me to the living room. With her hands against my face she said she’s calling for help. It wasn’t time for my evening medications. Maryam took action, called 911, and in due time the police showed up. I knew this wouldn’t go too well but I cooperated with the EMT.

They took me to Southside Hospital in Bay Shore. When they were letting me in I asked the police officer if I could have a cigarette, something he had promised me once we got to the hospital. “It’s up to them from here on.” I asked the nurse, she said something but it didn’t sound like I was going to get my smoke break. I thought once I had this cigarette that all these racing thoughts in my head would settle down. That’s how it usually worked.

They were taking me for intake. I asked the police officer if I could have a cigarette, I didn’t realize I couldn’t smoke indoors so I put my hand in my jacket pocket to take out my pack. The police officer ran to grab my arm, I dodged, got up and the hospital security guard joined to try znd restrain me. It was like a scene from one of those Jason Bourne movies. I kept dodging and they kept trying to grab me until finally the police officer tazed me and I took a few steps and fell to the ground. My wife was also getting restrained by another security guard when I felt life come back to me. Turns out the tazer helped me appreciate how alive I felt. I was yelling as to what they were doing to my wife as they dragged her out of the room. Turns out my wife had kicked the police officer. They had me in handcuffs. The charge nurse came in to talk some sense into me. She asked me to promise to behave  and they would take off the handcuffs. I started on my rhetoric banter about how the police and the security was treating us. I calmed down and they took off my handcuffs. I knew I was going to be doing some time.

Drugged up and with very little emotions I had a restless night sleeping in the hospital room they had for me. They didn’t allow any visitors at this place. I didn’t know at which point my wife and I had parted ways. They were transferring me to South Oaks Hospital, telling I will have to stay there temporarily for a few days until they get my medication right. I had officially relapse.

Schizophrenia, according to what I was taught in Abnormal Psychology class, is 50% genetic and the remaining are environmental factors such as stress and what not. Stress had definitely been a factor as the Dean of Students at Farmingdale State College had, and still has, put my account on hold. It had triggered my Ulcerative Colitis earlier on in the semester as I was going in and out of Emergency Rooms. I was unable to register for one of the classes I needed. I had to attend weekly mandated therapy sessions at the school. Someone had complained that I was stalking them, to my surprise I had found out through my therapist. Therapy was helping on and off but was adding more stress. I just couldn’t figure out why the Dean was putting me through this and not even have the courtesy to return my phone calls and emails to schedule an appointment. I was expected to graduate with my bachelor’s degree by the summer but it looks like it won’t be for another year that I would have to attend.  I had made so many plans but everything came to a halt.  I wasn’t driving up until last month when I cleared my suspensions and got a car for myself. Prior to this I would get ready to leave at 4 in the morning Tuesdays and Thursdays to make it in time for my 8 AM Small Business Management class. Public transportation is a joke here in Suffolk County.

I guess I needed a break from all this. I had to spend more time with my family. With my newborn who is growing up so fast. The first thing I did after getting discharged from the hospital was to drop my classes and walk in to see the Dean. I was surprised how she too was looking forward to see me and not avoid me.

Dean Johnson apologized for not getting back to me promptly. I accepted her apology after having a look at her desk with piles of paperwork on it. She said she wants to see me mid-July/August to see how I’m doing and she would lift the hold. To my surprise she told me about how a police report had  been made, not just a complaint, by this girl that I had small talk with in the hallway for “stalking her”. Lesson learned; not everyone’s perspective is the same as yours. She also told me how she had been keeping tabs on me for a year and a half now. I felt special and felt tempted to ask why but I knew the answer would be politically correct.

During my stay at South Oaks Hospital I attended all the activities and group therapy sessions they had during the day. I found them all to be very therapeutic. I remember meeting my social worker the first day when I kept yawning which caused her to start yawning as well. It made us laugh but I was heavily sedated. I made friends there that felt that they needed to share with me their personal stories. I broke off a violent fight when this kid decided he wanted to throw a chair at this girl. I felt like I was part of the staff. There was a devil worshipper there that felt like she was the chosen one by the Illuminati. I got along with everyone, including the devil worshipper. Ultimately I waited for the hour to strike 5 so I could see my wife. My older brother and sister came by to visit, as well. The doctors at the hospital stopped the Adderall.

Today, after my first dose of Adderall I have gotten the drive again to start doing things. I met my doctor yesterday and she felt I was having withdrawal symptoms from Adderall and that it is true I have ADHD. Prior to this I would wake up drop off my wife at work, come back and lay in bed thinking into the abyss. I was wasting time, which I regret, counting every hour before I had to go back to pick up Maryam. It wasn’t like this every day, I would go see my mother too from time to time. She’s always entertaining and gets me engaged. My seven-month-old grabs my attention as well.

I have a renewed drive to go back to school. To finish not only my bachelor’s degree but to go onto finish grad school in mental health counseling. Today after so many weeks of being out of touch I made an attempt to socialize with my school friends.

During the past few weeks what I thought about the most is about losing control. Regretting how losing control caused my independence to be taken away from me. Now I’m dependent again on others. At least until I become productive again, which will probably be a year from now when I graduate with my diploma. Unless someone has other suggestions.

I had drafted some blog posts which didn’t get published. One of them entitled “Society Labels You Insane; When You Know You’re in Charge of Your Sanity”…I guess that’s not the case, society drives you to insanity. I had another exorcism done but I’ll save that for a future blog entry.

I’ve  also got another piece in the works which I’ll publish in a few days, it’s an eyewitness account and reflection on the Fort Lauderdale Shootings back in January which I was a victim of. The shooter was hearing voices.

Judging The Perfect Living Muslim

First let me point out the fact that there’s no such thing. There’s no perfect Christian, Jew, Hindu, Buddhist, etc. There are people that are disciplined, organized, polite, wreckless, loving, so on and so fourth but we all have our flaws. However, we run into people that are extremely judgmental, unforgiving, and slandering all the time. I believe in a simple philosophy… Let God be our judge. On the Day of Judgment God will be judging us and we will not be worried about what he said, she said, did or didn’t. I will be more worried about what good and bad I have on my account than about the guy that stole my iPad from me. 

There’s several sayings of Prophet Muhammad, Peace be Upon Him… A prosititue once fed a dog and for that good deed she entered paradise. A person with faith in God the size of a grain will enter Heaven because of God’s mercy and a person who’s proud of all the good things he or she did and all the worship they did will enter hell because of their PRIDE. 

Yet, we see people backbiting, slandering, gossiping all around us. And so few people that are humble. However, there is still more love in this world than hate. Otherwise the world would’ve ended a long time ago. 

If you have a habit of backbiting without ill intentions remember that word gets around quick. That’s one of the reasons people unfriend people or shut down on social media. 

The Prophet once gave counsel to Abu Dharr, saying: O Abu Dharr! Beware of backbiting, for backbiting is graver than adultery. Abu Dharr (r) said: Why is that so, O Messenger of Allah? He (s) replied: That is because when a man commits adultery and then repents to God, God accepts his repentance. However, backbiting is not forgiven until forgiven by its victim.

I’m not propogating a life of sin, all I’m saying stop judging other people. Stop advising them with opinions. If you want to advise them give them facts. Don’t expect them to have the same lifestyle as you as you cannot dictate that.

I’ve forgiven the non-practicing Muslim that stole my iPad. Because who knows whose prayers are getting accepted…Maybe he needed it more than I did. The preaching Christan employee I had lent $250 to and he never returned my calls or answered my texts. I’ve forgiven him too. I rule that I follow, and I’m stating the obvious here, don’t judge a religion based on its people, judge it based on its creed.  

I hope if I’ve done anyone wrong, backbitten, owed money, or anything to anyone that they would forgive me. Ultimately God is our judge he is Ar-Rahman, Ar-Raheem. 

 
As a parent it is my responsibility to teach my children right from wrong. To make sure they are safe at all times. To teach them to be polite, respectful, educated, stable, and good productive citizens of society. I will not gossip, lie, slander, argue with my wife or family (debating is one thing and healthy), or teach them to wrong, fraud, con or fool (comedy is one thing but if your intention is to deceit than no fooling around) other people whether good or bad… I will teach them to let others go if they’ve hurt them and to forgive them. To move on with life. Let God be their judge. Always forgive and try to forget (I can’t forget because of my mind but for some people it’s easier to forget than to forgive, for me it’s the other way around.)

Enjoy their journey in this life instead of bickering, regretting, fighting, and harming others. 

We won’t dictate which direction life will take them. Instead we will walk alongside with them. I won’t condition my son or daughter to become a doctor, engineer, or fireman or force them to consider something when they ace a certain test and at the end of sophomore year decide you will become a marine biologist. If he wants to he can and will. I will give them sound advice and try to persuade them. But if they disagree I will understand. When they are ready I will come to a realization that I can let them go into the world, that they’ve grown up, they know right from wrong and at that point I won’t just be their father but also their closest friend. It’ll be early too depending on how they mature. 

So remember life is a journey. Don’t judge others because you don’t know how much your opinion may be hurting them. Forgive. Forget. Move forward on your journey. Don’t get stuck in a jam, and when you do remember you always have other options. YAHOO!

Some Changes: The Good News and Some Not So Good News

So I’ve decided I’m not going to pressure myself on releasing my free chapters after getting them edited. 

Instead I’m going to be putting up content to help support our online community and my followers. As much as many of you like to read my book I’m not saying I won’t be releasing any chapters it’s just that it’ll be slower than expected. 

I’ve been extremely busy with our newborn, photography assignments, and am on my final semester of College. (Woohoo!)

I will be posting a blog entry later about how my new year, birthday, and my celebrations of being Schizophrenic for 4 years now went…

Look for the title of the blog: Happy New Year, First Sunrise of the Year from Miami Beach, My Birthday Celebration, Schizophrenia Anniversary, How I went to Cuba twice in One Week, How I was Victim to  Fort Lauderdale Airport Shooting or: How I Learned to Tie my Shoelaces for the 3rd Time in my Life

Sorry if I’ve disappointed anyone on the news of the chapters. I will be posting richer content through the blog. 

Hope you understand and continue following and getting support directly from me whether its emotional or mental, if I can guide you in the right direction I am humbled not proud. I’m truly humbled by our online community, over 2000 followers on Twitter, not just getting advice from me but myself getting advice from other professionals and students and making friends throughout the world. 

With love and many wishes for you on a healthier, happier, and productive year with many more to come. 

There’s a new president in office. 

Never lose hope,

Adam Abraham

Movie Review: Frankie and Alice (2010)

frankie and alice

So I bumped into watching a full-length feature film without being distracted and side tracked by the many things I have going on at the same time. Yes, I like to multitask. And yes, I was multitasking during commercial breaks I couldn’t fast forward on my DVR. The new channel (#720 on Verizon FiOS), Centric, is targeted for black women, that’s what they advertise- nonetheless they’ve got a new viewer on their channel. So, a little before 8 PM EST, actually a few hours before I had started channel hopping during a commercial break on MTVs Wild’n Out… While (multitasking) I interrupted and stopped a few channels up. November Rule was a on, a tongue-in-cheek romantic holiday flick you can check out on demand if you’re a black woman. 

What caught my eye was Frankie and Alice (2010), starring Halle Berry (Oscar winner: Monsters Ball) as Frankie and Stella Skarsgård (Good Will Hunting, Exorcist) as Dr. Oz. Set in 1970s Los Angeles. Early on Frankie has a blackout. She’s brought to the ER and discharged. Losing her job, unaware of why or who she’s writing checks to, her former coworker thinks she needs help, her mother thinks she’s doing very well working for the telephone company.   

Later she’s arrested and calls Dr. Oz regarding her arrest. He gets her released under his psychiatric care and she’s brought into the hospital as an outpatient. 

After multiple psychotherapy sessions, Frankie is diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder by Dr. Oz. 

Dissociative identity disorder is a rare condition where the person develops alters. These are different personalities that are randomly triggered. It was previously known as multiple personality disorder and in the psychiatry field highly debated whether or not true to its claim by the patients diagnosed with it. I’m not a psychiatrist nor a psychologist just passing the information out to you as I am a psych student. “Alice and Frankie” is based on a true story. 

Skarsgård’s performance, and his character; Dr. Oz dedicates to care, attention and solving this mystery. It is an honest, believable, and honourable performance. Halle Berry is the one that steals all the jewels with her enchanting performances. 
If you’re in the mood for some mystery, thriller, can’t wait for what happens next then this one’s for you. 

MY RATING SCALE: DON’T WATCH. TRY TO WATCH. SHOULD WATCH. MUST WATCH. 

Yes, it’s a Must Watch. For all the reasons I’ve described above and for educational reasons, as well. 

Agree? Disagree? What did you think and feel after watching? Let us know in the comments below!

Op-Ed: Don’t Hide Your Feelings… They Will Eventually Explode

​Don’t hide your grief with a smiling face, a cheerful attitude, or a boat full of jokes… find a lending ear. Someone that won’t just hear you but listen to you. Give you sound advice. Give you multiple options that are best for you, a few cards to choose from.

Sometimes we need direction, and direction isn’t as simple as putting an address in Google Maps… because even that gets you to the wrong place sometimes. Keep yourself surrounded with good company, caring people, intellectuals whether young or old… it defines your character. 

We expect too much from family and friends… They’ve shaped an opinion about us for a while now and are a bit judgmental or quick to jump to conclusions.

Maybe sometimes it takes a stranger, blogging and writing a book about his recovery from schizophrenia, depression, anxiety, panic attacks during a test, trouble with focusing on the task at hand. Or someone who knows when you’re  talking and the person youre talking to is not only hearing but also giving you their utmost attention and listening to what’s important to you. Giving back to you their honest answer. I get several direct messages on my @adamerall Twitter and Instagram and I make it a priority to respond. I’ve also had an extensive career in communications. 

The majority of people have personally told me about how they are not being heard. 

It starts as early as childhood… when you constantly say “Mom?”… “Mom?”… “Mom?”… And she finally responds “WHAT IS IT?” You become accustomed to this and know even though your mother can now hear you but is just too caught up with her own thoughts. Maybe it’s about her work quarrels… Maybe it’s about her questioning her marriage… Her own stress. This continues throughout your teenage years when she gets divorced or her husband abandons her and she’s forced to work 2 jobs. 

Or you have both parents with a conflicting schedule… you’re a latchkey child that comes home to leftovers from last night, procrastinating about the homework, escape to Netflix or video games or worse… drugs. When it’s time for dinner your Dad’s stuck in traffic. You’re mom’s exhausted. And you’re still full of energy whether positive or negative, you choose.

Weekends are spent in your rooms… on the iPad, with your studio headsets blaring the latest (or oldest) alt-punk-pop-hip-hop-jazz that helps you escape from what you have to what you want. Sundays are spent watching (or watching some else watching) football and yelling at the TV screen as if it could hear you. It’s not always that gloomy… you may go out to see the latest Disney flick topping the charts. Or go out shopping, but you’d prefer that with your friends now because you want to catch the latest trend and have a need to snap it. 

You’re mom makes really good food. Food so good that you cherish it when you haven’t had it in your adult years while in college or starting your career far away from your parents. 

When you see her during your “break” you ask “Mom?”… “Mom?… “Mom?!”… And she catches your attention. She asks, this time less aggressively, “What is it?” And you ask politely “What are you cooking?” Maybe she’s sick of making dinner every night… she has even said how much distaste she has for her own cooking several times in the past. This is the time to tell her how much you love her cooking… and that we haven’t had a real conversation all of our life. The next time you cook for her or take her out. 

Maybe, just maybe, she’d be more excited to prepare a PB&J sandwich with a nice glass of milk for you instead of pasta, rice and beans, or curry and roti that’s got her hand stamp on it. She’d be more excited to talk to you than anything else. 

But why so late to talk to your mother? Oe father? That’s the question I would like to ask. 

It’s always great to give benefit of the doubt, and instead of following the trend, you should set the trend. Make that hard-to-have conversation with your Mom or Dad. About how much attention you crave of them. Don’t worry about how old you are at this point in life. Relationships are building blocks. Brag to your friends how close you are with your parents (remember you’re setting a trend so give examples). They do and have done so much for you. Feel for them as they feel for you. Remember there’s a generation gap so they expect the same their parents expected of them. That’s why social media, smartphones, anonymous doesn’t make sense to them. They may be baby boomers, Generation X (the latchkey kids), Generation Y (the Milennials… my generation), or even Generation Z (the Next Generation fully aware of how to turn on an iPad but more than likely unknown to the history… unaware on how to deal with their teenage pregnancy… Fully aware of where they’re going in life-hopefully!) Who was given instructions on parenting? There’s plenty of books and magazines out there but there’s no canned solution. Don’t judge your parents look for a solution even if you’re in your late 40s. 

We’re connected but at the same time disconnected. Not too long ago, when you or your child was seriously ill people would call you, they’d show up at your house, they’d come to the hospital… Now it’s a matter of texting on your GroupMe, Hangouts, or WhatsApp group chat that has you “connected”. The cherry on top is when someone says “keep us posted” as if you’re reporting news and not pain. Checking in on your neighbors, friends, and family is not “creepy” it’s actually healthy (Good read: Outliers, by Malcolm Gladwell, psychologist who conducted a study).

Let’s not even talk about Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Periscope, or Snapchat… (I use most of them amongst others-guilty as charged)… My point is, that’s for when you have good things going on, or at least you think you do, and figure you’re that important that the whole world should know about your every step. Sometimes you share something personal but you’ve learned not to do that anymore because you know that would open up a can of worms. Sometimes you report real news and the networks buy it from you, (Hey! You made some money and got your five minutes of fame… That’s great!) but realistically the chances of that are very slim. 

But this post isn’t about social media platforms (apps that you’ll long forget 50 years from now)… hopefully you have grand kids or are a grand parent keeping up with technology but at the same time communicating with your close friends and family in a healthy and comfortable manner.

This post is about taking off your poker face. When was the last time you took a selphie when you were crying or had a cold and posted it on Instagram?

An important theme I have in my book, “Trans Mongolian”, is about having a support structure in place… if you need help than yell it out in a crowd… someone will come to listen to your outcry. Another theme in the book is independence. Going a bit off topic again…

My first job, when I was 15, was at an after school program. I started in the summer as a student counselor. My Assistant Principal, late Mr. James Ambrose, had gotten me the job after interviewing when I refused his modeling offer from his friend who owned a talent agency. After the summer was over, I realized these [city] kids desired attention. Their behavior, grades, and so much more depended on it but unfortunately their parents were working two jobs while their kids stayed 4 hours extra after school. It was a system designed so that working class parents had an option for their kids from ending up with the wrong crowds. Long story short, senior year I put my 2 weeks notice as I noticed it was being mismanaged and the counselors themselves were being unprofessional (specifically one, he’ done his time.) After this experience I made sure I won’t put my kids through after school programs either I or my wife will be home every day to welcome our kids home. 

My advice to working parents: cut back on the hours you work. It’s not worth building up credit card debt and oppressing yourself or leasing that BMW you always wanted. It’s one thing if you need to make ends meet but it’s amazing how far you can go with so little cash. Make time out during the week to spend with your son, daughter, your kids, your spouse, you’re entire family. Surprise Mom and Dad, your Aunt or Uncle, your Sister or Brother, your cousin’s. At first they may get concerned and be honest and relieve them by saying how much you wanted to see how they are doing, talk to them, hear them and talk about old memories.  Make new memories. 

Take time out for each other. While your kids watch that latest blockbuster movie everyone saw and sang the songs to and spoiled the ending for you (Yes, I’m talking about Frozen… or any other movie that everyone’s watched except you; for me it’s Departed). So what you do is hop into another movie hall and watch that thriller they made from a bestseller you had or hadn’t had the time to read… Reminds me of that murder mystery I watched starring Ben Affleck (time it right and put a leader in charge. Say, your 13 year old, or your younger one and bring your 13 year old with you. DO NOT just walkout on them)… and do keep a close eye on the clock, don’t forget your leader to let you know if there’s any situation, and do show up before the movie ends, even if your movie hasn’t ended. I don’t want to get into the details of planning this out this is just a scenario but you can do it with even better planning. 

Have your parents spend quality time with your kids… let your parents know that this isn’t which side loves you more, save the family drama for morning soap operas, no need for gossip, scooping out what your Mom says about your Dad to you guys or vice versa. Your parents have a wealth of knowledge and wisdom to share with their grandkids let them know how much you love them. Let your children know how they should behave as older people have less patience as younger kids have smaller attention span. Tell them to pay attention and ask questions.  Maybe you can take your wife out to a rooftop dinner in the city. Maybe you can go dutch at your wife’s favorite spot that you haven’t tried for whatever reason. Or for the wive’s you may want treat your hubby to something special (my wife buys me expensive jackets from her savings… She doesn’t even work! I think she might be a drug dealer… I kid, I kid…) For example, I surprised my wife with a collection of perfumes (after acknowledging she was right the night before or that I overreacted). My point is, just mix it up, you don’t have to spend money but it’s the thoughts that count.

Advice to young kids, teenagers, and young adults: START TALKING, LISTENING, HAVING A CONVERSATION. Don’t hide those emotions with your pokerface. Or behind your iPhone thinking that your meme, tweet or snap or whatever it is defines expressing yourself. Don’t get me wrong, expressing yourself is perfectly fine but escaping to candy crush because you don’t to hear anyone nag is just crossing the limit. Your latest rejection at work or with a boy or girl just wasn’t worth it. Maybe the grade you got on your last exam wasn’t what you had expected. Move on, next time study a little harder… or just screw it all up altogether. So what if you’re an underachiever in business school ? Maybe you’ll move onto being top manager in the country and grow to hate it with a passion for whatever reason. You may want to reinvent yourself and it’ll all be worth it. GO ONTO PURSUE YOUR DREAMS AND PASSION. Do complete your college degree as it will open up a side of you that you didn’t know existed. Learn a language. Take guitar classes. Start reading “Programming for Dummies”. Learn something new or hone a skill you already have. 

No, let’s not talk, or small talk… let’s start having real, in-depth, controversial conversations. Politely, without fighting or getting irritated. 

Life is too precious to be wasted away, to be taken. 

Remember: you have a purpose. Otherwise you wouldn’t be God’s greatest creation and you wouldn’t be on earth.Whatever or whenever that may come. Maybe it already has and you don’t like it or don’t want it. You can always decide what to do with it. My advice to all retail associates, whether in sales, customer service, or management… QUIT and pursue your passion. For those that don’t  know,  I was a GM for UPS, DM for Verizon, and had a shortlived stint at Samsung as District Marketing Manager spanning over 6 years. Go back to school, regardless of your age. Take a year long vacation where you can live like a king on a budget of $2000 for the year… Freelance, (hey, I’m a photographer and a singer-songwriter),  to make ends meet… do what makes you happy and communicate your feelings outside of social media. 🐒🐮🐯🐈🐴🐪🐐🦄 Sorry, I mean these guys: 😀😁😂😃😄😅😆😙😊😎😍😘😗😙😚☺🙂😇🤔😐😑🙄😏😥😮🤐😴😪😫😌🤓😛😝🙁😒😓😔😕😖🙃😷🤒🤕🤑😲😞😟😤😢😭😦😧😨😩😬😰😱😳😵😡😠☻☹ end in black and white true emotions come out when you’re face to face.

Remember: age is never a factor… it’s your determination for getting into a better state of mind: mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I’m always at your service, register on Twitter, and send me a message @adamerall. Or if you prefer email it’s adam@adamerall.com.

And do read the free chapters that are available here on my blog from my book “Trans Mongolian”. 

Print it out, bring it to work, or if you prefer your Kindle or tablet than swipe through the pages. Do let me know what you think as I’ve been writing it over 2 years and have written over 20 chapters. I’m in no rush to publish it, however I do want to build a strong mental health support structure for everyone because everyone has problems. So, if you’ve landed on this page thank you and God Bless. Hope my advice was sound and honest to you. 

Your lending ear,

Adam Abraham

Enjoying Schizophrenia on a Beautiful Autumn Day

The day started with a walk to the gas station a few blocks away. It was my morning Sugar Free Red Bull walk. I had taken my morning cocktail, which included Adderall, right after the two boiled egg whites for breakfast. Reaching the end of the block I was approached by my landlord’s son Hasaan in his 5 series. He offered me a ride and I took the opportunity. 

I got to the gas station, asked if he would like anything. Grabbed a Red Bull and a Snapple, quickly scanning the aisles for newborn diapers, the monthly Amazon diaper subscription had ended right on time but I was the one that had set the wrong date for delivery. I walked up to the cashier and asked if they carried diapers. I really didn’t want Hasaan waiting too long for me. He said no we don’t carry diapers, I paid and went on. 

After getting in the beamer, I asked Hasaan if he minds driving to the Target a little farther down Sunrise Highway. He wasn’t reluctant in saying yes.

At that moment. Or even before that I should say, I came to realize how great of a day I was having. But that moment I reacknowledged how much small things mattered. It was a cool Fall day, I had a light jacket on, earbuds on while I paused the latest audiobook on my Audible app. 

I walked into Target from one entrance with a mission: newborn diapers cheaper than any I could find. I found the no frills brand. While walking down the aisle with my diaper box I observed Honest Diapers for the same price as the Pampers subscribe and save from Amazon. Did a quick comparison and went with Honest Diapers. Couple dollars more but quality over quantity mattered, sure they were a few dollars more for a dozen or so less. 

But this isn’t a lesson on diaper buying.  

I started observing even more things while comparing, a husband to his wife saying “keep walking” every 5 seconds. This was the last place he wanted to be. Perhaps he was getting late for game day? 

Started walking to the self checkout, got thrown off by a marketing gimmick to buy $50 worth of baby products and get $10 gift card. So now I was this close to spending another $35 (that $10 gift card wasn’t free, I’m still purchasing something right?) As I walked I realized how much I was enjoying my day. Relaxed. Calm. Spent about 5 minutes in the store thus far while others were panicking to pile up and get out of there. There were looks I got. Some smiles, some weary-eyed, I always do. I like to play a game called reading your mind, it’s a symptom of schizophrenia or even a side affect of Adderall but I took it lightly.
I got to checkout and the assistant scanned the coupon. Luckily it didn’t apply to the baby stroller toy and a newborn blanket, which I originally thought was a hand puppet, she said fine print says on baby products such as diapers and wipes. 

Walked out the other exit and enjoyed the breeze that hit me as soon as I stepped out. Got to Hasaan’s car and drove home. We changed the topics from politics to women to BMWs. I shared some advice. 

I got home, lost my Red Bull somewhere along the way. My Landlord, Brother Ashraf was fixing the wooden floor in our apartment, amongst other things. Didn’t find space for myself so went on for a second Red Bull. Got to the gas station while listening to my audio book.

By the time I came back work was still not done so I sat on the porch and continued listening. My landlord came by to chat in between. I went to ask him if he was still working inside but it looked like he was done as he was piling up the leaves. 

A little too late I offered my help. Decided to take a picture and tweet @adamerall

The sun was setting soon. Brother Ashraf invited me in for some tea… I gave him my expertise he gave him his. We talked about apostasy, history, books, US Treasury notes… all relevant to our discussion of what we think is to come.

Came home, put everything back in its place.

Sometimes Maryam has been fixing me some coffee in the early afternoon so I avoid another walk to the gas stations. Before my evening meds… 

It caught my eye Bollywood superstar #MadhuriDixit on YouTube… specifically this. There was something that she sings that caught my attention to the dance number that had showed up on auto play. 

Evening meds done. Telefilm on. Debating whether to watch this or continue listening to audiobook while finishing this post. Musaab’s photoshoot to work on later in the evening and to call it a night. 

Overall a great day off. This fall season get out of bed and enjoy the small things so you can appreciate the big things.

Get out of bed!

I’m not letting the sunsetting early affect this beautiful season and winter. You shouldn’t either. 

#WatchOutforSeasonalBlues

#MostSuicidesOccurDuringTheHolidaySeason